I should have been an abortion.

I can't believe I still have this thing and that I even remembered my login information. So a lot has happened in the time being since I last updated. I was with a guy for almost 2 years. But I broke up with him August. It was a great relationship up until the last 3 months. I'm living on my own with 3 friends. I grew my hair out and just recently cut it too about neck length, had a couple jobs. Not really much of an update on my part but so much has happened that I don't even know where to begin. And with that being said I will go onto a different rant. After being in a relationship for almost 2 years and now being single, I fucking hate it. I miss laying there with someone, cuddling, watching a movie and falling asleep in their arms. Oh how I hate being lonely. I just wish I could find someone that I can call my own. Don't get me wrong, there are relationships I could be in, but Im done with long distance relationships. I'm older and more mature and need something more serious out of life. I want to move onto bigger and better things in general but I have no idea how to accomplish that.

I am so sick and tired of having putting up with this junkie for a friend.
It's NOT okay for you to keep taking those pills just cause you've admitted to us that you have an addiction.
I'm sick of your bullshit.
Grow the fuck up and get over yourself and stop trying to get some god damn attention.
You're making our lives a living hell.

My fall will be for you.
Bring me home or leave me be.
I have lost my somebody for me.
Love me. Kill me. Leave me be.
Bring me home.
Forgive me.
Redeem me, into childhood.
Show me, myself without sin
Like the nightmare, go away.
I'll be there, when you say
"Time to let all go"
My fall will be for you.
My love will be for you.
If you be the one to cut,
I'll bleed forever.
This is me for forever,
One of the lost ones,
The one with a name.
Oh how I wish for soothing rain.
Oh how I wish to dream again.
My loving heart, lost in the dark.
My flower withered between the pages 2 and 3.
Touch me with your love and reveal to me my true name.
Oh how I wish for soothing rain.
Oh how I wish to dream again.
Bring me home, or leave me be.
My fall will be for you.

I realize this is a really poppy song that they're playing now and all....but it just fits so fucking well sometimes ya know?

"Happy"

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?
Lying in the grass alone and wasted
Nothing's how it used to be

I wanna be the first to call and tell you
Yesterday I heard the news
I hear you oughtta be congratulated
So I guess that's what I'll do

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

Listen to the sound of my head pounding
Wish that it was make-believe
Praying for the skies to open up and
Wash away your memory

I can walk around with a pretty face on
Even when I'm black and blue
What's the point in telling everybody
I'm not over you.

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

Cry about the love we used to have
Cry that I won't ever get you back

Filling up my empty days with red wine
Wonder what you think of me?

I'm so happy for you
I could cry
Yeah, I'm so elated
Cross my heart and hope to die
I'm so happy for you
So, so happy for you
I don't think about you every night
Before I close my eyes
I'm so happy for you baby,
I could cry.

I've been busy busy busy lately.
I'm taking online classes for Baker College.
Accounting and Business.
= D
Yay
Hanging out with Beth all the time, but she goes back to school the 5th.
But that's okay, I can find ways to keep me busy when I'm not stuck at the computer doing class work or working.
I have a dentist appointment today at 1:40.
It's now 1:05.
So I need to be leaving soon of course.
My mom thought she was being nice and buying me a couple bras seeing as how I really don't have the money to and I need them.
*sighs*
All I wanted was a strappless and she couldn't even handle that.
Oy, moron.
Anyway
I am indeed working now.
It's nice.
But at the same time, it sucks.
Seeing as how I have a bunch of things to be paying for.
Save $50 a week, and most of the rest of it goes towards my bills.
And whatever is left, is my spending money, which usually isn't that much.
Sure, I could quit smoking and that would save even more money, but fuck that, I don't want to quit.
And now I'm off to the dentist.
Booo to that one.

I went to the hospital around 4 this morning.
I had a panic attack that lead to a seizure...not that any of you give a shit.

I can feel myself on the verge of another breakdown.
I want to scream and throw everything I can get my hands on.
But of course, I can't, it keeps bottling up.
Till I finally pop....which will be soon.

Maybe things would be better if I weren't around here anymore.

So, it's been awhile since I've updated this. Not that there's much to update. Correction... there is, I just rather not put it all out there for people to read, cause a lot of it will get me in trouble with some people who actually read this. Vegas....not gonna happen this month. Oh well. Still trying to sell the house. Spent 2 weeks up in Grand Rapids. Got into quite a few fights since I've updated...mostly yelling matches. Dyed my hair...I'm a brunette now. Woo. So the lyrics at the bottom are by Crossfade. Love this song, if you know me, you know what this song is about...well correction...if I told you all that's been going on then you'll understand why I posted these...though I realize most won't realize what these are for.




I memorized all the words for you
But if you only knew
How much that is just not like me
I wait up late every night
Just to hear your voice
But you don't know that's nothing like me

You know I wonder have you already figured out
All these things I tried to hide
All this time I've been hoping you don't find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I wanna make sure everything's perfect for you
If you only knew that's not like me to follow through
Maybe even give up on these dead end dreams
Just to be with you
But you don't know that's nothing like me

Hey ya I wonder if you have already figured out
All these things I tried to hide
All this time I've been hoping you don't find out
All these things that I hide on the inside

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

Now I'm waking up
I've finally had enough of this wreckable lifetime
I never thought I'd survive it
Now I'm taking back
All I gave up for that
Leave my pain behind wash these stains from my life

Just when I thought
All was lost
You came and made it all okay

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I can't be held responsible
This is all so new to me
Just when I think I'm invincible
You come and happen to me

I memorized all the words for you
If you only knew
How much that's just not like me

Went and saw pirates of the carrabien the other night.
Stephanie gets into movies for free so she brought me.
= D
It was good, but long and you have to wait for the 3rd one to come out to fully see what happens.
This time next year... Transformers comes out.
FUCK YEAH!
Definitely looking forward to that.
Sorry, nerdy side coming out.
So I actually acomplished something yesterday.
I drank 3 pots of coffee (no it wasn't that)
And set to work on updating and downloading a bunch of shit for my computer.
I started at 2:30 and stopped at 9, mostly cause I was getting bored.
Someone majorly fucked up the computer while I was gone.
I dont' give a shit if it's everyone's computer.
If you don't know what you're doing, don't touch the fucking computer.
Because everytime you do, I'm the one stuck fixing all the shit.
So in other news.
August 26, Vegas for a week hopefully.
That's gonna be fucking fun.

Been looking at apartments in the Grand Rapids area.
Sorta.
There's a couple in Holland that I like.
The one place I really want is in Wyoming. That's definitely on the expensive side.
But it's so freakin nice, I can't help it.
So here's the run down on things lately.
Haven't seen Tori in awhile.
Stephanie and I have been hanging out a bit more lately.
She treated me to the crow's nest (restuarant right above the coffee shop I'm always at)
Then I treated her to the chinese buffett and then we went to the lion's den, the adult super store.
Haha.
Not as big as I was hoping, but still nice.
Also a little sad that they didn't have any riding crops. *shrugs* Oh well, just means I need to go to a farm and fleet store or something like that. What am I using the riding crop for? Ooo I think you can use your imagination for that one.
Continuing on...
Stephanie treated me to the zoo saturday and all the fun festivities that came along with it. It was actually really fun. I wore a strapless shirt in hopes of getting some color on me after walking around for 3 hours in the sun....yeah that didn't happen. Afterwards she dropped me off at Fourth Coast where I ran into the Ray brothers. Haven't seen them in awhile so it was nice. I love Alex and Ryan Ray, they're so adorable. I was there at Fourth Coast meeting up with Beth and Dave. *rolls eyes* Oy. Way to screw me over again Beth. I liked Dave, Beth was quite aware of this, she assured me that she wasn't interested at all and that he wasn't her type. Well, they're dating. Anyway, so they show up at the coast and we just sit there and they drink their coffee and I have my ice tea, it was too hot for coffee. So we leave and do a bit of driving around. Eventually we ended back at Dave's. I had a vicious migraine goin on so I laid down on dave's bed. My feet were where your head normally goes. So Dave comes into the room, beth was already there, he turns up his 2-pac, lays down with beth and they procede to make out for 45 minutes. ... I came extremely close to walking home through the crackhead neighborhoods and downtwon, all because I didn't want to deal with that shit. They made me feel like the 3rd wheel and that was just fuckign rude of them to act as if I wasn't there and go about making out. Well, at the end of the night, I was really pissy, from the migraine and from them. All they do is rub it in my face that they're going out. Thanks fuckers, cause I don't already feel like shit and what not. Oy.

So onto other things as well.
My house is for sale still.
Open house for it is in less than 2 weeks.
Here's hoping it sells.
We're literally broke rigth now.
And it really sucks.
Granted, I'm use to not having money, but still, it always sucks when we don't have it.
I'm still searching for a job, with no luck.
I went to go apply for assembly line work.... I didn't meet the minimal requirements... you have to be able to drive yourself and have a license.... yeah about that...
I'm still trying to avoid fastfood and food in general.
My inverted eyebrow is healed and I don't want to have to take it out anytime soon.
Well, there's a lot more shit going on, but that's all really personal, emotional, feelings going on.
Hard to explain.

So, it's been a little bit since I've updated in here.
I got a new piercing. An inverted eyebrow.
I also got a new tattoo. It's a lightening bolt with stars and bubbles. About the size of my hand and on my back right shoulder.
I also have a black eye.
A friend wipped a cat nip ball at my face and hit my eye where I got my inverted eyebrow, so now I have a black eye.
I'm moving in a month, month and a half.
Today our house is being put up for sale.
Where am I moving to?
No freakin idea.